Bleh

It's been a while since I've been able to write. I've been so busy with school starting, and then of course I got sick. I'm always sick. It is horrible. I can't manage to stay healthy. I was diagnosed with bronchitis, strep throat, and an upper respiratory infection. I seriously felt like I was dying. The good news was that I didn't have to eat a lot and no one really asked any questions when I didn't. So, that part was nice. I managed to loose 4 pounds during that week. Good thing I gained two of it back as soon as I started to eat again. Damn body, why can't you just be perfect to start with. And, to make things worse, my boyfriend is going on a diet and now he is all obsessed with the way he looks and I'm worried that he will start looking at me again and wondering why he is looking better and I am not. I'm so ugly. Its not even fair. I just look around at all these skinny girls who don't even have to try and here I am counting each and every calorie and still gaining weight. What am I doing wrong? Am I missing some key point here? I don't get it.

Well, the school is doing this campus wide weight loss competition. I think I might join in. It's only 10 dollars. And now I won't get dirty looks when I say I'm on a diet or that I'm trying to loose weight because everyone will be doing the same. It will be nice, but also disheartening when I see everyone else achieve their goals so easily. Maybe I have to work out harder. Or maybe I have to cut down my calorie intake even more. Maybe I will only eat 300 calories instead of 500. Maybe that will be better.

Anyway, I am sitting here fighting the urge to eat an entire pan of brownies. I don't know why, but I'm craving them so much. I swear I could eat all the brownies in the entire world. They are my weakness. They can't be near me or I will scoff them down like the fat kid at a twinkie stand. Its pathetic really...

Fattttt

I feel helpless. I look at this picture and a sick twisted voice inside my head tells me that I need to be that skinny. What? Why? Why can't I love who I am? But she always wins. That voice always wins. I didn't eat much today. Less than usual actually, but for some reason I gained a pound which ignited a fire inside of me. I worked so hard to be thin and it just comes right back. How is this fair? Why does this always happen to me. It doesn't matter if I eat or if I don't. Someone is always disappointed, and it is usually me. 

       I must think thin. I must hold on to that desired perfection above my cravings for donuts and eggos and cake and all things in chocolate. How can I want those things? They are just packed with horrible, mean, disgusting, conniving devils: empty calories. At the rate that I think about food I'll gain 9 more lbs. I wish I could just be naturally perfect. I hate that some people have it so easy. Here I am battling this stupid voice inside my head that tells me never to eat and some of my friends just eat whatever they want and are still skinnier than me. Its not fair. Ugh. I'm so fat.

The Desicison

Well, I had a horrible day to say the least. Fought with my boyfriend, ate my emotions, threw up those emotions, ate some more, took a shower, cut my sides to release the pain, then ate some more. And you know, I just feel empty and I'm ready to fill that empty void. I'm done with this sick twisted game of recovery. I'm done playing cutesy with my doctors or friends or boyfriend, for that matter. I'm over with it. I'm going to do what makes me happy. I don't care how selfish it is. I am going to reach my goal of perfection. I'm scared, but I'm willing.

That is all I think.

One pound less

Yay, I lost a pound! It feels so liberating. I know it isn't much, but hey, its progress right?

Sometimes, I wish I had people to interact with on my blog, but I don't have any friends or followers so it is hard. I don't even think people read what I write. Its not like it matters, really. I'm not writing for them, I'm not writing for attention, I'm writing for me. Because writing makes me happy and keeps me focused on my goals. I think that is something to be proud of right? Anyway, I only have 20 more lbs until I reach my goal weight. At the rate that I binge that could be a while, but I won't ever give up on that dream of perfection. I probably should aim for a lower, more perfect weight, but since being out of the hospital I think this is a good goal for now. I don't want to invoke the stares, gossip, and intrusive questions again. I hated people being all up in my life. Its not their life, so why do they have to be so worried. I'm not bothering anyone, so why should they be bothering me? I don't know. Sometimes, life just doesn't make sense, or rather some peoples' decisions in life don't make sense. Yeah, I think that more accurately describes the situations.

Just another sleepless night.

I didn't sleep last night. I was too worried about everything. I belong to this online community for people struggling with depression and other mental health issues and my friend was trying to kill herself, so I stayed up with her all night trying to talk her out of it. It was sort of scary you know... that I was talking to her one minute and the next, if she wanted, she could be gone. I'm still in a daze from it all. I think she said she lives in CA, but I don't know. There are people on there from all over the world. I guess its a good site to talk to people who understand you, but then there are these coaches and health experts that pester you if you post something that is seemingly "harmful". So its good sometimes, but the minute you actually open up publicly about how you feel, you get attacked. Oh well. I'm glad that my friend is okay. 

Today, I'm going to focus on getting back on my diet. I have been so up and down lately that I'm not even sure if I know how to count calories. I ate ice cream last night. I'm so stupid. Well, at least that is one of the foods that come up easily if you mess up. So far today I've eaten exactly `13 blueberries and 7 grapes. Only about 20 calories. So, that's good. I think I'm going to be bored most of the day. The gyms are closed on Saturdays and my boyfriend works until 5pm. Well, at least he won't force feed me mac and cheese again.... 

Jealousy

I'm feeling really jealous today. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I feel jealous of more than just the girls that are skinnier than me. I am jealous of those that are happier than me. Sometimes, deep in my soul, when I'm alone, sometimes, I think about what it would be like to not worry about the way I look, just for once. And, I don't think that is honestly too crazy.. is it? I am not sure.

I had a horrible day today. Its not like I did much, but that's just it. I barely did anything. I just layed around in bed all day. I watched two movies, went to the gym, and coached a soccer game. That was it. All 19 hours I was awake and that's all I did. I feel so pathetic right now.

I really don't know what else I want to write, so I think that is it for tonight. I'm just confused, and hurt, and sad. Very sad.

Guilty binge

Well, today, the boyfriend took me out for dinner. It was horrible. As soon as I walked in the sickening smell of deep fried greasy fat swelled up my nostrils. But, damn, I had to admit, it did smell good. Of course, I couldn't get away with just ordering a water... He's trying to force feed me into recovery. Ugh, whatever. So, I ended up ordering a bagel with cream cheese on the side. And that was the begging of my horrible binge. I demolished that bagel like I was one of those people in those food eating contests. I then persisted to stuff my fat face with some french fries (that he ordered for me, he knows they are my favorite... how could I have resisted?). And I couldn't just stop there, I had to dip those nasty little fat drenched crispy sticks into melted cheese. I can't even imagine the amount of calories I consumed on this outing. I wanted to die. But don't worry, I took care of those empty calories.... :/ I also ran about 3 miles. So even though that doesn't necessarily fix the problem, I hope it helps.

I love him. I really do. He is so good to me, he just doesn't understand my desire to loose a few pounds... you know... to be outrageously sexy for him... Wouldn't he like that? I think he might. Right now all he has to deal with is this fat lard of a cuddle buddy. Sometimes I wonder how he can even manage to put his arms around me. All that jiggly fat just mushing around under his hands. Yuck. Poor guy. I'm surprised he hasn't left me yet. He is a really nice guy though. I love him. I know its love because I cant ever stop thinking about him. As much as I think I obsess over my weight and eating, I think... maybe, just maybe, I might think about him as much if not more. Crazy right? I guess that happens when you fall in love. I just wish I could be better for him, though. But soon, soon I will be. I have no doubts.

Life has always been complicated for me. I've been searching for answers, but I can't seem to find them anywhere except when I can wriggle my body into a pair of skinny jeans. Yeah, that's when life makes sense, right? I guess so. You know... people have always told me that I should be happy with who I am and proud of all that I have accomplished, but they don't know anything. They have no idea what I have been through. They can't see my pain, the bruises, or the restless desire to be perfect. I have always been the fat girl in the group. I was bullied for my size and I guess that makes sense. I can't imagine why anyone would want to have hung around me then. Well, since I wanted to take their advice, I decided I should start perfecting myself. At first it started out small, running a few extra minutes that day, doing a few extra sit-ups or push ups, but then it turned into something entirely different and wonderful: a quest for perfection, a journey to achieve the perfect shape, size, and appearance. Some say that perfection isn't really possible. I'm not sure if I believe them or not, but I know one thing, the skinny girls are always happy. I guess this quest or journey or whatever you want to call it is sorta selfish... Actually, its very selfish. I am not quite sure I like that about myself yet. I've never been selfish before... I usually put everyone else before my own self, but all that got me was good grades in school. But school is important, people say. I like school. I love learning. I wish I could learn forever and never ever have to think about food ever again. I hate food. I hate all of its delicious haunting capacity that ends up just amounting itself on my thighs. 

Sometimes I wonder if I would have turned out this way if my childhood wasn't so messed up. Sometimes I wonder if I am just seeking attention... Sometimes I wonder if I just want to pretend I have a problem. I don't know. I don't know anything. I'm just a stupid girl with stupid dreams that will never come true.